Species of Troll II- More Varieties Spotted

Other species of troll that I neglected to mention in my last post were pointed out to me by other bloggers who find themselves Troll-watching on a regular basis. Here are new definitions of these other strange beings of the Troll genus. I hope to produce the first comprehensive Troll Dictionary for the use of feminist bloggers. I am also considering the Troll Species Drinking Game, where for every appearance of one particular type of troll, or stupid troll sentiment expressed one must down a shot of one's favourite beverage.  

Wilfully Ignorant Troll (spotted by Bookdrunk)

There is one positive aspect to this troll- it is already aware that it doesn't know its arse from its elbow, and so the discerning blogger needn't feel obliged to inform it of that fact. However, it lacks the part of the brain that deals with Personal Responsibility for Knowing Shit, and will automatically point to you, the ever patient author, as the reason it cannot follow the argument. Any suggestion that it go and do its own research coz you ain't the homework bunny, or that it bears some of the blame for its own denseness will be met with indignation and much phlegm. Even though it hasn't got a clue what you are talking about, it still believes that its Limbaugh-derived dittohead drivel is worth something. It won't do any good, but prodding it with a big pointy stick as it sulks will feel most satisfying to you.  

Lesser Gentleman Troll (also spotted by Bookdrunk) 

This troll wears its delusion on its sleeve- and its shirt, trousers and headgear. It firmly believes that it is the fountain of all knowledge, the most objective of all commentators that can bring enlightenment and calm to any silly females getting emotional about petty concerns such as violence and oppression. Should you fail heed its cry of “Ladies, ladies, there’s no need to be hysterical” (as recorded by Bookdrunk), it will not conclude that it is an annoying, smarmy piece of work who is about as objective as an MRA's defence lawyer, rather it would have you believe that if you even consider getting upset about the topic of the abuse of women that it means all your arguments and experience aren't worth jack. This troll is amongst the attention-seeking group of deluded trolls, and therefore it is intensely amusing to watch its face as it is ignored by all and sundry. 

 “I’m just trying to LEARN” Troll (identified by Biting Beaver)

Ever watchful troll-expert BB describes this species thus: You know, the one who barges into a discussion asking the same question you answered 3 posts ago. You link back to the post and tell them to read it and they refuse, citing that it’s YOUR responsibility to stop all feminist discussion and answer some hypothetical question that will never actually happen in real life (i.e. “Let’s say that a woman and a man are both of the exact same power differential and this man tells the woman the he doesn’t really want to have sex because he has no condoms on him and this woman throws him onto his back and stick his dick inside of her and gets pregnant even though the man didn’t ejaculate and, like a responsible man he pushed her off of him immediately and got dressed and went home. But the preejaculate was still there and she used it to get herself pregnant. Is that rape? And should he have to pay child support?”) And then, when you refuse to entertain the ridiculous-never-happened-in-a-million-years- question they fly off the handle and accuse you of being a fraud or a man hater.

This species is similar to the Wilfully Ignorant Troll in that it assumes that because you are a) female and b) feminist it is your job to drop what you are doing and rush to its aid. It needs your help, and if you don't give it you must be one of those misandrists its right-wing buddies have been telling it all about. Never mind that it doesn't know you from Eve and it could go do its own work- it has a Y chromosome, and you have two Xs. Therefore, you must serve its penis-owning little brain.

Pseudo-Academic troll (species named by Feminist First).

This troll is very small with a big mouth, and believes that by standing on top of the hardback editions of the complete works of Every Learned Misogynist That Ever There Was, and spewing out their words it can win any argument. It is also under the illusion that it is very clever, and will even select carefully cherrypicked quotes from feminists in order to further its agenda. Any appeal made by the feminist to the real experiences of real women will be intellectualised away, as this troll is much more comfy sitting in the world of theory than hearing about the world of female suffering about which he has no comprehension. It tries its best to hide its antagonism in long passages of theory, but eventually, when called on it, it will raise its hands in dismay and whine about how you have offended it, as if the worst thing any feminist could do is insult a male intellectual. Since apologies cause this species to gloat, this blogger suggests telling it that its precious feelings are worth very little, and that if it truly wants to learn, it should shut up and listen.

Psychopath Troll (hat tip to Spotted Elephant)

This troll is among the most vile and degraded of all species, as it takes great pleasure in the suffering of others. It will come along to a sensitive post and add some hilarious comment such as 'rape is funny'. This troll is a coward, a worthless piece of shit. It wants two things a) your pain and b) your silence. Give it neither. Just delete it. And never stop telling the truth, as your feminist sisters will always be there. 

Drive By troll (a submission by Dubhe) 

This troll is unable to keep more than one thought in its head at a time, and completely insensitive to context or just making fucking sense. Its pattern is simple: it comes to a blog, and posts the same (or several very similar in the more advanced of the species) trollish comment on every single thread. The subject of the thread is of no interest to the Drive By Troll as it has one aim, and that is to say that really important thing that no-one else has thought of, that no-one else has ever heard, and that everyone needs to hear! What this dipshit has to say will change your world! You will never listen to any well-thought out feminist arguments ever again! It will show you the way! You will throw your feminist credentials into the bin, and fill out your application for Misogyny Central Fuckwits International in lovely green ink! Thank God it showed up and wowed you with its comment! You could have spent the rest of your life in dire ignorance!

Rewind and Repeat Troll (the second submission by Dubhe).

A close relative of the Drive By Troll, this specimen has one craptastic argument and intends to keep it that way. It will charge in (one can hear its clompy feet coming a mile off) and begin The One Argument To Rule Them All. Needless to say, the argument will suck, it will owe nothing to logic or experience, and will be one that the feminist blogger has heard again and again, and confronted again and again. But this species knows that it is always, no matter how much what it says is shown to be bullshit, 100% right about its pet topic. The peculiarity of this species is that once you have completely trounced its entire argument, it vanishes, and the whole feminist blogosphere breathes a sigh of relief. One would then be forgiven for thinking it had learned a valuable lesson. But these species is incapable of adapting to changing circumstances, or to altering its world view when that world view has been shown to be helplessly flawed.

So it returns, unaware that if an argument has been shown to be wrong the first time, it will not be right the second, third or fortieth time when posted on a different thread. no matter how many times you argue with the Rewind and Repeat Troll, it will never get the message. Make it a big 'cease and desist' notice proclaiming 'I hearby remind you that we had this confrontation on the (insert date) on the (insert topic) thread, and you lost. Your argument still sucks, and will not be answered with anything other than the Delete button'. Then laminate it, and frame it. Then apply it to the troll's head liberally and with some force.

The Copy/Paste Troll (a subspecies of the Rewind and Repeat Troll, as described here by Devious Diva) 

[It] writes the exact same comment on multiple blogs regardless of the subject and then expects to be taken seriously. Notoriously hard to track down because of their blog-hopping capabilities but once captured, quickly crawl away with tail firmly between its legs, never to be seen again.

The Closet Skinhead Troll (as described by David) 

These are the guys (they are all guys) who drop by and start off slow, sometimes ever reasonable, before going off on the plight of the poor downtrodden White Male. After that, it’s off to Goebbels Lite land.

Related to the MRA Talking Points Troll, this species is of the belief that the most oppressed members of human society are heterosexual white males- you know, the ones that rule the world? They are oppressed because of the Great Feminist Conspiracy which dares to suggest that human beings who aren't carbon copies of the heterosexual white males are also- shock, horror!- human beings. And of course by 'I am oppressed' it actually means 'my privileges are being taken away from me'.